As complex and wrenching as loss and grief are to us adults, it is even harder for children. Part of this is because children just don’t have the same emotional make-up that adults have. Kids grieve deeply, but often their grief does not present as sorrow in the way that adults define sadness. Very often anger, aggression, anxiety, restlessness and attention seeking behaviors of many kinds are vehicles by which a child expresses her grief. And don’t forget that a child’s personality is still developing. Many times the words we choose in speaking with a child whose mom or dad has died, will make a difference in the way they understand what has happened and in the way they experience the world around them.
A child is vulnerable—helpless in the world. One of her strongest emotional responses to the death of a parent is stark terror: “What will become of me?” Give immediate and complete reassurance that you will keep her safe. Children do not share the worries that adults carry in their minds. Rather, they want to know where they will sleep tonight, and who will tuck them into bed and listen to their prayers. They want to know that someone is at the helm and that the operational components of their world are going to be predictable. Tell them specifically what will happen: “You’re going home with Aunt Jenny tonight. You can sleep in our bed with us. Tomorrow we’ll have Cheerios.” And tell them you love them.
There are a lot of things you must say to comfort and reassure the child, but there are also some things that we urge you not to say. They include phrases like:
· Jesus (or the angels) came and took Mom.
· She just went to sleep.
· She went away (or passed away).
· God wanted her in heaven.
· She’s in a better place.
These things may be true in a spiritual and emotional context, but children think very literally.
Rather, tell the child that her mom died. She may not know the meaning of the word, but she does need to know that it is far different from taking a trip, going away, or falling asleep. We all want to share religious beliefs with children, as faith traditions are a great source of comfort. But children need to know that God does not come into bedrooms and take people away. Children need to know that God isn’t in the business of snatching people away while they sleep—or they may suddenly fear that this will happen to them. They must also know that a mommy would not leave her child to go anywhere, no matter how nice it is. Emphasize also that death is nothing like falling asleep.
If the child’s parent died after a prolonged illness, remind her of the series of losses and physical changes that the parent had to endure. For instance, you can explain: “Mommy’s body didn’t work anymore. She couldn’t eat or drink, open her eyes, or even sleep and have dreams. She couldn’t breathe, and her body died.”
You may feel that “death” is a harsh word to use with a child, and the truth is that children do not understand the word. But they need to know that something has happened that is different from their everyday experiences, otherwise the world around them becomes unpredictable and threatening. Will God come for Daddy too? What if Aunt Jenny goes to sleep and doesn’t wake up again? Death, however mysterious and scary, should not be confused with everyday occurrences.
Children grieve in their own ways, as best they can. They do not have the same ability to rationalize or understand as adults, and so their pain and grief is special. Be open to all sorts of behavioral changes in children following the death of a loved one. And there is one thing you must do: you must continue to love them and tell them that you love them. They need constant reassurance that they will not be abandoned.
Griefbusters is a wonderful group of dedicated professionals and volunteers who can help with a child’s grieving process. Most hospices will know about it, or employ programs of their own to assist with the stages a child must endure. Don’t ignore the needs of your child, even if they are hard to understand and decipher. Acknowledging that this is the biggest life change possible, you need to allow a child to go through the natural process of grieving in his or her own unique way, and do whatever you can to help with healing.
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